Exhibit I
Pokémon
A grown man. A mortgage-eligible adult. Still, to this day, gotta catch 'em all. Caroline, he will choose a starter before he chooses a sofa.
A Featured Section · Andy Has Not Seen This
The Case Against Andy
Everything Caroline is legally binding herself to. Exhibits, in no particular order.
Exhibit II
World of Warcraft
Has spent more time defending Azeroth than his own postcode. There is a version of Andy in a guild who is far more reliable than the one replying to your texts.
Exhibit III
The Curtains Situation
Owns windows. Refuses curtains. Lives his life as a public exhibit, visible to the street, the neighbours, and passing wildlife. An exhibitionist purely through admin failure.
Exhibit IV
The Height
Compact. Travel-sized. Fun-sized, if we're being kind. The good news, Andy, is that from down there you'll always be looking up to Caroline.
Exhibit V
The Music Teacher Who Has Never Taught Music
Qualified. Certified. Trained to shape young minds through song. Has done precisely none of it. A music teacher in the way a fire extinguisher behind glass is a firefighter.
Exhibit VI
The Motorbike
Ah, the motorbike. Head to toe in leather, visor down, engine growling — a man doing his absolute best to look dangerous while standing five foot nothing next to it. All the leather of a Hell's Angel, all the menace of a garden gnome. Cost more than the wedding photographer and gets ridden roughly as often as a leap year.
Exhibit VII
The Passoã
A grown man whose drink of choice is a bright orange passion-fruit liqueur usually ordered by people celebrating their eighteenth birthday. Caroline is marrying a man who orders Passoã at the bar and means it.
Exhibit VIII
The, ahem, "Thyroid Issues"
We would never comment on a man's figure. We will simply note, with great sympathy, that Andy has long battled mysterious "thyroid issues" — a condition that strikes hardest near the buffet and clears up completely during cardio.
Exhibit IX · Archive Footage
Autumn 2007: The Rugby Initiation
Video to be added
Somewhere in my archives is footage from autumn 2007 of Andy's hair being shaved off during rugby initiations. When I find it, it goes right here. Consider this a trailer.